Feeling compelled to "be polite"
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Feeling compelled to "be polite"
I had a thought-provoking experience today; nothing involving danger or criminal behavior or guns, but I think it ties in to self-defense by way of boundaries and that famous female tendency to "be polite." Just thought I'd share in case anyone else has thoughts on the matter.
I took the kids to the store today to buy groceries, and stopped at the customer service desk to ask about something in the lost and found. I was fifth in line (long for a weekday morning, and with only one guy behind the desk) and as we were waiting a lady came up and stood near the line chattering loudly on her cell phone. Then as the person at the desk finished his transaction and stepped away, Loud Phone Lady stepped up to the desk, looked at the man at the front of the line and said, "you don't mind if I just do this real quick, do you?" She immediately turned to the employee and proceeded to try to complete some sort of complicated transaction involving the person on the phone with her. It didn't work, and she stepped aside again and started doing something at the ATM a few feet away. The man who let her step in finished his transaction, and she immediately stepped up to the counter again and "asked" if we minded. ("Asked" because it wasn't so much a question as a statement, and she wasn't waiting for an answer.) Obviously her transaction was not simple or quick, and she had already skipped the line once. So, in what I believe was a polite and mild voice, I told her there were four of us in line, we had already let her ahead of us once, and that I thought it would be best if she just got in line and waited. She got all huffy and responded very indignantly that if I felt that way about it she wasn't going to argue with me, it wasn't a big deal anyway, it's not that important, and if it's that important to me then she could just wait in line and not make an issue of it -- all the while definitely making an issue of it. Feeling a little embarrassed and hoping to quiet things down, I told her I was sorry if I offended her and that I hadn't intended to be rude (not sorry for what I said, mind you). She responded with something like, "I'll just drop it, I'm just going to be respectful because you've got your children with you and I wouldn't want to start anything in front of them." (What?!?!) At that point, I just turned my back squarely to her and ignored her the remainder of the time, and she stayed quiet.
What was interesting to me is that:
1) The first guy let her in front of him when all indications were that she simply couldn't be bothered by waiting like the rest of us mere mortals. There was nothing about her attitude that indicated this was especially urgent, no fussing child, no physical handicap... the vibe I got was that she just didn't want to wait and figured she didn't have to. And she was right.
2) After the first time, everyone in line exchanged looks indicating they were annoyed or disgusted, but when she tried to do it again no one was going to say anything -- and when I said something, no one backed me up or told her to lay off me.
3) I tried to make my response as polite and non-confrontational as I could, and yet she went off on me. My guess is that she thought if she reacted that way, I or someone else in the line would tell her to just go ahead. She tried to make me out as the unreasonable one, and make me feel guilty for expecting her to follow the basic rules of etiquette we all learned in preschool. And it worked. I found myself standing there in line questioning whether I really was out of line for speaking up.
4) She stopped when no one engaged her anymore, and I didn't hear anything else from her for the 15 minutes or so that she was behind me in line.
Nothing about the situation indicated she was a criminal interviewing potential victims, but it just struck me as being similar. She was counting on no one being willing to be the rude one who said no, even when everyone was bothered by her behavior. And when I did push back, she immediately tried to turn things back on me and guilt me into doing the "polite" thing. And I still feel a little guilty, even though rationally I think I did the right thing. I realize that in this case there was no real harm to just letting her do her thing, but I'm trying to break the habit of letting strangers push my boundaries because I'm too polite to say anything -- specifically because of the self-defense application. Like many others, I'm very conditioned to "be polite" and not hurt anyone's feeling. But I believe what I said to this lady was in fact very polite. My voice was reasonable and friendly. I didn't call her names or suggest any wrongdoing. I merely said I thought once was enough to skip the line and yet I wound up feeling guilty.
To be clear, I very often let people ahead of me in line if it won't affect people behind me. When my oldest was born I decided I was never going to get anywhere in a hurry again so I might as well relax about it. Ten extra minutes rarely matters in my day, and if it can make someone else's day better it's 10 minutes well spent. But I see a HUGE difference in offering to let someone go in front of me, and allowing someone to walk all over me.
I took the kids to the store today to buy groceries, and stopped at the customer service desk to ask about something in the lost and found. I was fifth in line (long for a weekday morning, and with only one guy behind the desk) and as we were waiting a lady came up and stood near the line chattering loudly on her cell phone. Then as the person at the desk finished his transaction and stepped away, Loud Phone Lady stepped up to the desk, looked at the man at the front of the line and said, "you don't mind if I just do this real quick, do you?" She immediately turned to the employee and proceeded to try to complete some sort of complicated transaction involving the person on the phone with her. It didn't work, and she stepped aside again and started doing something at the ATM a few feet away. The man who let her step in finished his transaction, and she immediately stepped up to the counter again and "asked" if we minded. ("Asked" because it wasn't so much a question as a statement, and she wasn't waiting for an answer.) Obviously her transaction was not simple or quick, and she had already skipped the line once. So, in what I believe was a polite and mild voice, I told her there were four of us in line, we had already let her ahead of us once, and that I thought it would be best if she just got in line and waited. She got all huffy and responded very indignantly that if I felt that way about it she wasn't going to argue with me, it wasn't a big deal anyway, it's not that important, and if it's that important to me then she could just wait in line and not make an issue of it -- all the while definitely making an issue of it. Feeling a little embarrassed and hoping to quiet things down, I told her I was sorry if I offended her and that I hadn't intended to be rude (not sorry for what I said, mind you). She responded with something like, "I'll just drop it, I'm just going to be respectful because you've got your children with you and I wouldn't want to start anything in front of them." (What?!?!) At that point, I just turned my back squarely to her and ignored her the remainder of the time, and she stayed quiet.
What was interesting to me is that:
1) The first guy let her in front of him when all indications were that she simply couldn't be bothered by waiting like the rest of us mere mortals. There was nothing about her attitude that indicated this was especially urgent, no fussing child, no physical handicap... the vibe I got was that she just didn't want to wait and figured she didn't have to. And she was right.
2) After the first time, everyone in line exchanged looks indicating they were annoyed or disgusted, but when she tried to do it again no one was going to say anything -- and when I said something, no one backed me up or told her to lay off me.
3) I tried to make my response as polite and non-confrontational as I could, and yet she went off on me. My guess is that she thought if she reacted that way, I or someone else in the line would tell her to just go ahead. She tried to make me out as the unreasonable one, and make me feel guilty for expecting her to follow the basic rules of etiquette we all learned in preschool. And it worked. I found myself standing there in line questioning whether I really was out of line for speaking up.
4) She stopped when no one engaged her anymore, and I didn't hear anything else from her for the 15 minutes or so that she was behind me in line.
Nothing about the situation indicated she was a criminal interviewing potential victims, but it just struck me as being similar. She was counting on no one being willing to be the rude one who said no, even when everyone was bothered by her behavior. And when I did push back, she immediately tried to turn things back on me and guilt me into doing the "polite" thing. And I still feel a little guilty, even though rationally I think I did the right thing. I realize that in this case there was no real harm to just letting her do her thing, but I'm trying to break the habit of letting strangers push my boundaries because I'm too polite to say anything -- specifically because of the self-defense application. Like many others, I'm very conditioned to "be polite" and not hurt anyone's feeling. But I believe what I said to this lady was in fact very polite. My voice was reasonable and friendly. I didn't call her names or suggest any wrongdoing. I merely said I thought once was enough to skip the line and yet I wound up feeling guilty.
To be clear, I very often let people ahead of me in line if it won't affect people behind me. When my oldest was born I decided I was never going to get anywhere in a hurry again so I might as well relax about it. Ten extra minutes rarely matters in my day, and if it can make someone else's day better it's 10 minutes well spent. But I see a HUGE difference in offering to let someone go in front of me, and allowing someone to walk all over me.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
My first reply if she tried to step in would have (incorrectly as its insulting to dogs) misperceived that she was a female dog and demand that she get out of the way.
My wife would probably just hit her with a bat. She's from Chicago though and occasionally seems possessed by the spirit of Al Capone.
My wife would probably just hit her with a bat. She's from Chicago though and occasionally seems possessed by the spirit of Al Capone.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
"Yes in fact I do mind."
When that doesn't work, I have no problem raising my voice and saying, "Excuse me! There is a line." loud enough for everyone to hear. So far I haven't had to raise the volume more than twice.
When that doesn't work, I have no problem raising my voice and saying, "Excuse me! There is a line." loud enough for everyone to hear. So far I haven't had to raise the volume more than twice.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Well why weren't you guys at the front of the line today?? You could have saved me the trouble. It was a good exercise for me, though. Too often I just fume quietly.
Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Too funny. I would have told the self-entitled intruder she better quit yakking and take her place in line before someone else walked up!
Years ago when the Vietnamese first moved into this area they werent accustomed to American etiquette.
One day I watched a line of maybe 7 Vietnamese at the pharmacy counter. One finished his business and stepped aside; and in lockstep, the entire line advanced forward 2 steps. Immediately the guy realized that he forgot something and instead of reengaging the pharmacist as would be the acceptable practice, he graciously went to the back of the line to again wait his turn!
Years ago when the Vietnamese first moved into this area they werent accustomed to American etiquette.
One day I watched a line of maybe 7 Vietnamese at the pharmacy counter. One finished his business and stepped aside; and in lockstep, the entire line advanced forward 2 steps. Immediately the guy realized that he forgot something and instead of reengaging the pharmacist as would be the acceptable practice, he graciously went to the back of the line to again wait his turn!
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Some people just need a good pistol whippin'.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
I got my mind right boss. Please dont hit me no more !mojo84 wrote:Some people just need a good pistol whippin'.
“In the world of lies, truth-telling is a hanging offense"
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Jim Beaux wrote:I got my mind right boss. Please dont hit me no more !mojo84 wrote:Some people just need a good pistol whippin'.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Normally I'm intentionally pretty mild, but a line cutter to me is like a red cape to a bull. Maybe its because I stand in lines often for the bus or I'm a mean old cuss.MotherBear wrote:Well why weren't you guys at the front of the line today?? You could have saved me the trouble. It was a good exercise for me, though. Too often I just fume quietly.
Inversely I've let more than one person in front who's asked if I have a bunch of items and they have one or two.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
there are a few folks I'll let in line in front of me. A young mom with a baby with a few things. And an elderly person with a few things. And if I have a full basket and there isn't a "quick line" I might let a person in with just a couple of items in. But....I get to decide, not them. You cut, you get fussed at. But then I'm a young gray haired lady and I act with all the age the gray makes me look like I have
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
That's it right there. I get to decide if it bothers me, not the person butting in. I don't mind one bit speaking up reminding the other person that there's a line, and I have done so on many occasions. And when if they push it, I remind them that I don't have permission to speak for all the other people in the line behind me. And if I'm further back in the line, I'll make that point too. "The person you're asking doesn't speak for me. I waited. You can wait. Get in the back of the line." If pushed about it, I'll tell them flat out that there is nothing so important in their life that it is more important than what goes on in my life. Get in the back of the line.....just like he did, and he did, and she did, and I did, and the four people behind me did.SewTexas wrote:there are a few folks I'll let in line in front of me. A young mom with a baby with a few things. And an elderly person with a few things. And if I have a full basket and there isn't a "quick line" I might let a person in with just a couple of items in. But....I get to decide, not them. You cut, you get fussed at. But then I'm a young gray haired lady and I act with all the age the gray makes me look like I have
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
The problem with this scenario is that the store clerk didn't say anything. It was the store clerk's responsibility to say, "I'm sorry maam, but you will have to get in line like everyone else." Then the clerk should turn to the first person in line and say, "How can I help you."
The customers should not be put on the spot like that.
It irritates me to no end when the stores have lines that say maximum 15 items, but the clerks allow people with more than 15 to check out. Take the sign down if you aren't going to honor it. Quit lying to your customers.
The customers should not be put on the spot like that.
It irritates me to no end when the stores have lines that say maximum 15 items, but the clerks allow people with more than 15 to check out. Take the sign down if you aren't going to honor it. Quit lying to your customers.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
She's a sociopath.
She relies on manipulation and if that doesn't work, bullying.
If you recognize this type, it's up to you to stand up for yourself or get stomped...
She relies on manipulation and if that doesn't work, bullying.
If you recognize this type, it's up to you to stand up for yourself or get stomped...
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
Something very similar happened to me and TBM. We were at Walmart returning who knows what. We were about 3 or 4 in line. The lady that was due up next, saw a friend walk by as she waited. The friend walked up and they struck up a conversation. When the lady finished her business that waited in line, she let her friend who didn't wait in line right in there. I spoke up and commented that there was a line and that it started right back there, pointing to where she needed to go. They both eventually walked out of the store and she didn't conduct her business, which I believe was to cash a check.
And, in this case, the store employee wasn't going to say a thing.
I have in numerous cases, let someone in line in front of me that has an item or two and people have reciprocated the same to me. I generally do not do it though if I have people behind me.
And, in this case, the store employee wasn't going to say a thing.
I have in numerous cases, let someone in line in front of me that has an item or two and people have reciprocated the same to me. I generally do not do it though if I have people behind me.
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Re: Feeling compelled to "be polite"
While it doesn't bother me to say anything I tend to be pretty laid back and don't sweat the small stuff, I will say something when it starts to bother me and I add in the employee of the business. I have had to make comments to other customers and I generally will also stop and tell the manager of the store because I expect the workers to be the one to speak up instead of waiting for other customers to do so.