Dealing with an overly friendly man

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texasgirl
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Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby texasgirl » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:20 pm

To give a bit of background I live in a small town (7000) that I grew up in. I am now as an adult it is not uncommon for people who know my parents to inquire as to how they are doing if someone sees me somewhere in town. A few months back a man about my dad's age asked how he and my mom were doing, he made the comment that I look like my mom nothing unusual so I thought nothing of it. The next time I saw him I nodded gave a polite hello and continued with my shopping and moved on. A few minutes later he is in an aisle I'm in an speaks with me a bit. This time nothing about my parents just comments that I look nice today kind of thing for some reason it makes me uncomfortable so I get what I need give and awkward thanks and move on. From then on when I see him (not often maybe once every few weeks) it's the same thing something just feels weird and I feel like he is going out of his way to speak to me once he sees me. So one day I decide to test this I'm at the service desk at the store to exchange something I happen to see him in line a few registers down with his back to me so he doesn't realize that I have seen him. I intentionally make an effort to avoid looking over at him while conducting my business at the desk. I tell the clerk I will be back with my replacement item once I get it and walk off in a direction opposite the line he is standing in still "not noticing" he his there. What I need is actually at the far end of the store and I take my time getting there. Well I get what I need and lo and behold when I turn down the last aisle to head back to the service desk there he is. Now remember he was in line to check out with like 2 items and I took my sweet time wondering around the store. He was still holding the items when he walks over to speak to me. So he got out of line and went to seek me out. This really creeps me out. He has never said any thing threatening or followed me to my car or anything like that just something is off. I told my mom about him tried to describe him but my description was to general for her to give me a name. Well I've done this "test" two other times with him with the same results. Once I had the forethought that once I saw him coming I got out my cell phone like I was reading a text and snapped a quick photo. I sent that to my mom and sister I kind of did the joking/not joking thing of if I turn up missing one day tell the police to talk to him first. The last time I happened to be with my husband. He (husband) was getting gas and I went inside the convenience store to grab us a sodas so when I got back to the car a pointed him out across the parking lot. I'm just not sure if there is anything to do the guy has never been threatening just weird not sure if he is one of those people that is socially unaware and if avoidance is my best course of action. Being a small town I know a few of the local officer but I don't even know what I would say, "The man creeps me out". Should I just be forcefully and tell him to leave me alone (the small town Texas manners I was taught make me cringe at that) but you do what you have to. Any input from anyone on dealing with this?
If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. Proverbs 15:31

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bmwrdr
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby bmwrdr » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:44 pm

I'd find his ID with help of the picture. That said, I grew up in a small town as well and would most likely confront him directly but on the other hand I am a grown male and never experienced a stalker like you do.
Another rule you may want to kepp in your mind, reconnisance is the early indication for an attack.
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Richbirdhunter
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Richbirdhunter » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:45 pm

I'd go with your gut, I would also ask your husband to deal with quietly. If he doesn't have bad intentions he will avoid you.
Disclaimer: Anything I state can not be applied to 100% of all situations. Sometimes it's ok to speak in general terms.

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Middle Age Russ
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Middle Age Russ » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:48 pm

When things get "interesting" in an uncomfortable way there is something about the situation that your subconscious is picking up on that creates that uncomfortable feeling. Social norms and mores, and the desire for "normal" folks to be nice to one another tend to all work to quash these feelings or assist us to rationalize them away -- but if the alarm bells are ringing there is likely a valid reason and the feelings should not be ignored. That said, until/unless something occurs that is actionable or at least allows you to better understand the reason these situations make you feel uncomfortable, avoidance (and the awareness you are already employing) is perhaps the best option, along with being prepared with a defensive mindset, skills and force options. If you get a chance, or events continue and you decide the best course is to make the time, do discuss these events / behaviors along with your perceptions and concerns with an LEO. They may have further suggestions.
Last edited by Middle Age Russ on Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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texasgirl
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby texasgirl » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:55 pm

Sorry I forgot to mention my mom did know a last name for him but not a first. I thought about asking my dad to say something to him.
If you listen to constructive criticism, you will be at home among the wise. Proverbs 15:31


karatedad
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby karatedad » Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:21 pm

First of all you said he is a small town guy who seems to know your parents but doesn't bother to formally introduce himself. Secondly, he creeps you out enough that a small town girl with manners hasn't bothered to get a formal introduction after several encounters. If you were my daughter, I would say it is time for Dad or husband to make his acquaintance and politely steer him in another direction. Good luck and be careful.


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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Mike S » Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:40 pm

I'll echo what others have said about your "Spider Senses", they're alarming for a reason. First encounter; means nothing. Second encounter; chance. Third et al; pattern. Despite your polite upbringing, it is OK at the next awkward encounter for you to mention, in a non-confrontational way AND in a public setting with a safety net, that you've seemed to notice that he may be going out of his way to speak to you & that you are a bit uncomfortable. Despite any rebuttals or circle-talk on his part, remain polite but firm that you have already spoken to your parents & husband about this, and that you want the behavior to stop (I don't suggest seeking him out, only suggesting this if he approaches you again). It may be he's just a socially awkward person; regardless, that's his cross to bear, not yours). At this point speaking to law enforcement after all of these encounters is also warranted, at least so they have visibility. Yours may not be the only incident. In the end, remain calm & aware of your surroundings, at home or in public.
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RoyGBiv
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby RoyGBiv » Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:28 pm

"I'm terribly sorry. I know we've run into each other several times recently, and you know my parents, but, I don't know your name."

And... Always listen to your gut.
I am not a lawyer. This is NOT legal advice.!
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tomtexan
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby tomtexan » Thu Sep 24, 2015 9:59 pm

RoyGBiv wrote:"I'm terribly sorry. I know we've run into each other several times recently, and you know my parents, but, I don't know your name."

And... Always listen to your gut.

^^^^^^^^^This^^^^^^^^^^

Get a name. If it is an unusual name and not common, a criminal history would be easy to dig up.

Also, check the sex offender database for your zip code area. You never know what might turn up. :read:
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Oldgringo
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Oldgringo » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:07 pm

What does your Mother and Dad say about this guy?

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Charles L. Cotton
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Charles L. Cotton » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:12 pm

RoyGBiv wrote:"I'm terribly sorry. I know we've run into each other several times recently, and you know my parents, but, I don't know your name."


This is an excellent suggestion. If he doesn't answer or gives you a name you cannot confirm, then you have something concrete.
I also agree with going to the police. In a small town, they may well take it seriously whereas the same complaint in Houston wouldn't even result in a report. I'm not downplaying your experience, I'm commenting on the workload of larger PDs.

I guess I'm in the minority when it comes to confronting him or having someone else, other than the police, do it for you. If he's harmless, then his only reaction to being challenged would likely be embarrassment and he'd leave you along. If he's not harmless, then he could seek revenge, especially if he's a few bricks shy of a full load. If he is not deterred by the warning, then he will be much more stealthy. If you carry a gun, make sure you are trained and that you practice. You also need to learn techniques to ward off a physical attack while pulling your gun. This is all CQB (close quarter battle) stuff that most people, especially women, never think about, much less learn and practice.

Then again, the advice others have given you may be better. You'll be added to our prayer list.
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Smokey
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Smokey » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:31 pm

I would not put yourself in that situation alone. Even if you see him in the store, there is a point where you have to walk out to your car. You could always get someone to walk out to your car with you. However, you never know his intentions and when he may try to approach in a setting that would give him an advantage. Don't ignore your Spidey sense.


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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby mescobar_rpls » Thu Sep 24, 2015 10:39 pm

A few months ago, my daughter was being harassed. She is in high school. We went to the police and filed a report. The investigating officer was great, compassionate and professional. Unfortunately, there were other girls being harassed as well.

He told us that in order to get a restraining order we need to explicitly tell them that you do not want any communication with them, in any form. Luckily, the communication stopped and we have had no other trouble.

I wish you luck.


TexasCajun
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby TexasCajun » Fri Sep 25, 2015 6:53 am

I've just finished reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker. He starts off with how our desire to not be embarrassed or to cause embarrassment leads us to ignore our instincts. There is something about this guy that has set off your alarm. Do not ignore it. DeBecker also goes into detail about how stalkers/predators work. This repeated "chance encounter" is one of the tactics that stalkers use to pacify their victims. It builds a familiarity and a lowering of the guard that they will later exploit. Get the guy's name and then immediately tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to leave you alone. If he tries to make contact after that point, insist again that you don't want anything to do with him and seek advice from your local PD. Whatever you do, don't waver in your resolution for no further contact. Doing so will only tell him that he needs x number of no's in order to get a yes.
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Abraham
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Re: Dealing with an overly friendly man

Postby Abraham » Fri Sep 25, 2015 7:54 am

texasgirl,

I fully appreciate that you'd simply like this to go away without having to do something about it. That's normal, but not a good path to follow.

Please, follow through on what you need to do to protect yourself.

There are a lot of great suggestions for action on your part posted in this thread.

Please, let us know what you've done to protect yourself.


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