Help with wife

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seamusTX
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Re: Help with dating

#76

Post by seamusTX » Thu Oct 08, 2009 9:00 am

Drewthetexan wrote:Here's a twist, perhaps, (and if already posted, sorry, it's late and I'm not up to searching for it), but what about dating someone new[?]
Maybe I've been out of the game too long and should keep quiet, but ...

You could try to meet women only at shooting ranges. ;-)

Other than that, I think it's probably best to get the issue out in the open early. There are many differences of opinions and personality that are going to be deal-killers, like religion, politics, and attitudes about money.

I had a bunch of first-and-last dates either because I thought the woman was an airhead or she thought I was too nerdy.

- Jim

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lonewolf
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Re: Help with wife

#77

Post by lonewolf » Thu Oct 08, 2009 9:36 am

I'm still too nerdy....

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USA1
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Re: Help with wife

#78

Post by USA1 » Thu Oct 08, 2009 2:28 pm

lonewolf wrote:I'm still too nerdy....
:iagree:




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Hammer
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Re: Help with wife

#79

Post by Hammer » Fri Oct 09, 2009 1:36 pm

Happy wife....happy life.

But...you don't sound happy...the fallacy of that statement. Boy this is a tough one. Sometimes (most times) what is truly loving is what feels the most like death (to yourself).

However, (aren't you glad the however is here)....

As mentioned many, many times in this thread...be patient. I know that the CHL plastic is burning a hole in your wallet...mine did...

Here is what worked for me...not saying it will you....but maybe some tidbits here... (15 years of marriage)

1) Give her the plastic...tell her you love her more than the lic...she can give it back to (if ever) when she is comfortable with you carrying (if ever)....TRUST ME on this one...Do NOT carry without the CHL...she will know you are serious if you are NOT carrying...

2) Tell her how you feel about giving her the plastic...they lap that stuff up with a spoon...tell her it is important that men protect themselves and their family...that sure...you like the idea of carrying...it is cool...got to be honest or she will see right through you...tell her you believe (which we all do) that our society has 'socialized' fear and responsibility out of us....if the water leaks we call a plumber....if the pool needs cleaning we call the pool company...if threatened we call the police...we outsource it all...BUT you can't outsource protection. The Police are RESPONDERS...I saw this first hand with Dallas PD when at one time I did consulting work for them and rode in cars, on patrol, on a regular basis...

YOU CANNOT DEPEND ON THE POLICE TO PROTECT YOU...they are NOT there when the things happen...and...they are not designed by definition to be....i am PRO POLICE...but somewhere in our society we have out-sourced the responsibility of personal protection...

My dad always taught me that if someone started a fight...that I needed to end it...good words...????....he taught me that I must defend myself...good words...????
NO...
not in my case...it made me feel guilty and embarrassed and afraid...BECAUSE....
he NEVER TAUGHT ME HOW to defend myself....

I avoided fights and confrontations like the plague...and my self esteem suffered....Tell me...when did we LOSE the idea that a man/boy must be TAUGHT HOW to defend himself. The Police take reports...you defend yourself.

3) FEAR is o.k.... Fear is NOT paranoia. Fear protects us, keeps us safe and we need to listen to it. When you are walking to your car at night and you see three seedy guys approaching you...are you afraid...you better be...everything is screaming...watch out...be careful...do something....but...we have SOCIALIZED those responses out of ourselves..."ohh, I refuse to live my life that way" well you better listen to your gut...your fear...it protects you.
and when you don't know HOW to handle it or what YOUR plan is...you are terrified....and you should be...

4) Tell her you are not paranoid...you just want to KNOW you can take care of her and yourself.

5) SHOW her you are serious...GO TO THE RANGE....GO TO THE RANGE...it shows her you are NOT a poser and this is really important to you...face it CARRYING IS A LIFESTYLE...

6) It will show her you are getting proficient...proficiency equals safety...trust....You KNOW how to handle your weapon...my Glock feels like a part of body...shoot shoot shoot and shoot some more...clean your gun in front of her after the range....YOU must know how it works...cleaning means i am taking care of my gun because i am proficient and I know how it operates.

7) Ask her to help you clean it... EXPOSURE THERAPY.....

8) Get a gun safe..http://shop.sportsmansguide.com/net/cb/ ... 00688&pn=1" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

9) What she is afraid of....???

a) that you cant handle the responsibility...
b) if you cant handle it that it will hurt someone

10) Sucks i know...is what my wife thought...So show her you are learning....take a gun safety class....show her your RANGE targets after you shoot..bring them home...show her your proficiency...

11) Tell her how much you LOVE shooting...talk about it

12) When she feels safe...she will not be afraid

13) My wifes fear is/was that I am careless....lose my car keys everyday...lay things down and forget about them...can never find my blackberry...impulsive...sometimes impulsive anger....she thought i would be the same way with a gun....UNCOVER that fear...and...it will HURT....but then work on it...PROFICIENCY....I told my wife that if I ever was careless...left it, forgot about it, whatever...she could have it...and...it keeps me aware....UNCOVER that fear...PATIENTLY !!! Over time!!!!

14) Take a martial art...
a) shows her you are serious about defending yourself/her
b) teaches you discipline, self esteem in THIS area/PROTECTION and helps you realize that you don't always have to have a/the gun. I take Aiki-JuJitSu...my confidence without my gun is sky high...not enough to think I am a black belt..but enough to know I am LEARNING HOW to defend myself...enough to know that if approached by three seedy guys I better RUN but if I can't so size them up and know my first, second and third 'move'...I can think three steps ahead now...Knowledge KILLS fear....

15) AND...my instructor...multiple black belts in multiple arts....carrys a gun CHL as do 3/4 of the class members...BECAUSE...it IS a viable way to defend yourself...even if you are a black belt...and learning to protect yourself is a LIFESTYLE

16) WHEN she gives it back...and she will....let her know this is a one time deal...that once she gives it back...IT IS FOR GOOD

17) Is there anyone that SHE trusts that uses or knows about guns...Her dad is a gun guy...I went to him and asked him to teach me everything he knows...she loved that...especially because he and I do not really get along...

BE PATIENT and BE SERIOUS about it and she will come around.

DONT BE A POSER though...she will see right though it.

Train, Shoot, Read, - Train, Shoot, Read - Train, Shoot, Read

Hope there is something here of value...

~ H
Carry: Taurus Model 850 CIA / .38 spl / 5 shot wheel gun / Hammerless /
Load: .38 Sp (+P) 129 Grain Hydra-Shock JHP
Other: Carry 6 capacity Galco Speed Strip
My Baby: Glock Model 21 / .45 / Pre-Ban double stack clip
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lonewolf
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Re: Help with wife

#80

Post by lonewolf » Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:29 am

Very interesting take on it, Hammer.....I clearly see the point you are making, but must (respectfully, of course,) differ on some things. It appears from your post that the Dear Wife was not fully on board prior to the CHL process. I, too, had Wife Issues when I first proposed the idea. She was OK having guns in the house by then and this was the next logical step. All discussion happened prior to the event. Now that the plastic is here there is only clarification/reinforcement of safety and such.

Try to get everything out in the open prior to getting the CHL. It really helps.

My wife is the one that loses her keys, her cell phone and such. I think she was transferring the concern along those lines to me.

Another issue. No one gets to keep my license until they think I am ready for it. My wife is not a really good driver, but she has her license, authorized by the state to operate a motor vehicle, and I don't try to hold that until I think she is ready to drive.

I am not being confrontational here, but my carrying around the house all the time while waiting was a good thing. Carrying under MPA in the car prior to plastic was a good thing. Doing all the things I could to get her comfortable before the big day really helped. She still has some questions/concerns now and then, but all the potential big issues were behind us before the day the plastic got here.

Although she thought I was being ridiculous concerning the Wally Walk, she said it was funny in a weird sort of way, and sent me on my way. Even suggested I take the kids to document the event on the camera.

It'll all work out, I'm just glad I did the hard part (concerning her) prior to getting the process started.

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seamusTX
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Re: Help with wife

#81

Post by seamusTX » Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:06 am

With regard to problems like misplaced wallets and keys, there's a fix for that, and it's similar to handgun safety: pick a place that is the one place where you put them when they are not on your person. It can be your headboard, bedside table, or anywhere else that is convenient when you dress and undress.

Likewise, a handgun should be loaded, in a holster that covers the trigger, safety on if applicable, and either on your person or in one safe place.

I used to be terrible about forgetting my wallet. I still do it about once a year because I change jackets or something.

The rules of handgun safety are multi-layered. If it's in a holster that covers the trigger, it's not going to "go off," period. A modern handgun is not going to discharge if dropped. It's not going to discharge unless something is in the trigger guard, and then it should be pointed in a safe direction or at a legitimate target.

It took me quite a while to believe these things myself.

I've mentioned this before, but old threads get buried and are difficult to find: You can carry an unloaded, cocked handgun in a holster, sit, roll around on the floor, stand on your head, and do whatever else it takes to convince yourself that the hammer is not going to drop.

Most shooting accidents where the details are available involve leaving weapons where children or moronic house guests find get them, or the owner literally playing with a weapon (often while intoxicated).

- Jim

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lonewolf
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Re: Help with wife

#82

Post by lonewolf » Sat Oct 10, 2009 11:22 am

We are all guilty of jumping into things sometimes without considering all the consequences/aspects. If I lived alone, having a CHL would be a totally personal decision, without regard to anyone else's consideration. Since I am happily married, and intend to stay that way, it was important that this be worked out with the wife as much as possible beforehand. In addition, my aging father lives with us, and my children are here every other weekend. Lots of things to consider.

So far, so good. Now I just strap it on and don't make an issue of doing so with the wife. She trusts my judgement as to when and where, asks me about it sometimes, and we get on down the road.


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chewy555
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Re: Help with wife

#83

Post by chewy555 » Mon Apr 30, 2018 5:12 pm

I have not been on the forum for a few years and found this thread. I must say that it has been strange reading some of the old stuff.
My wife has come around to where she no longer asks if I'm going to carry or if I am carrying. I got to the point that I just carried and worried about what she would say later. We now have kids and I think that she understands that I do it for her and for them. I started with a little 38 in my pocket, then my full size 1911, then a little 380, now most days in my compact 1911. I have tried to get her to get her LTC, but so far she does not want it, so I don't push it.
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RoyGBiv
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Re: Help with wife

#84

Post by RoyGBiv » Tue May 01, 2018 6:13 am

Challenge her to watch the news every evening for a month.
I am not a lawyer. This is NOT legal advice.!
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allisji
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Re: Help with wife

#85

Post by allisji » Tue May 01, 2018 7:42 am

chewy555 wrote:I have not been on the forum for a few years and found this thread. I must say that it has been strange reading some of the old stuff.
My wife has come around to where she no longer asks if I'm going to carry or if I am carrying. I got to the point that I just carried and worried about what she would say later. We now have kids and I think that she understands that I do it for her and for them. I started with a little 38 in my pocket, then my full size 1911, then a little 380, now most days in my compact 1911. I have tried to get her to get her LTC, but so far she does not want it, so I don't push it.
I got my license 2 and a half years ago. My wife was supportive of my getting the license, but I didn't know how she would really like have me carry a gun on a regular basis, especially at the time with a 3 year old and a newborn baby in the house. I think that she was a little concerned about it at first but it didn't take long before she started to take comfort in the fact that I was almost always carrying a gun, especially when we were out of the house.
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Re: Help with wife

#86

Post by SIGFan43 » Tue May 01, 2018 8:44 am

A few years ago, I was married to an intellectually brilliant 2nd grade school teacher (now deceased), who had never even held a gun. Our rural house had been burglarized while at work, and we discovered her beloved Yorkie roaming loose in the house, instead of being pinned up in the utility room. We lost a TV and two long guns (wall-hangers used for bait to draw burglars away from my favorite handguns and shotgun, which were well-hidden). A year later, the BATF called and said they recovered my two guns, but had held them for evidence in a trial of some druggies who attempted to cross the Mexican border with about 100 guns (I had engraved my DL number under the stocks.) My wife said after the burglary, "I would shoot anyone who hurt my dog." I said, "but you don't know how to shoot a gun." She said, "Teach me." After I let her shoot my HK P7, she bought one of her own. Women are like that about their pets and children. Later on, she kept her P7 in the nightstand, and bought a stainless S&W snub nose to keep in her glove compartment. She was a crack shot with the P7.
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Grundy1133
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Re: Help with wife

#87

Post by Grundy1133 » Tue May 01, 2018 11:15 am

chewy555 wrote:This is a question that I have been putting off asking for awhile. I had hoped that I could answer it on my own but so far no luck.
My question is: What can I do to help my wife see why I got my CHL and why I want to carry it everywhere that it is legal for me to?
Alittle back ground: I have been married just over 2 years. I got my CHL this last March. She knew that I was getting it and was ok with that. But now that I have it she does not like for me to carry. If I am going out by myself or without her then I carry. But if she is with me right now I do not carry. I have carried a few times when she was with me and she did not know. But I try to respect how she feels. I have tried talking to her about why I carry, but she just says that she can take care of herself.
I have told her that I know that she can, but there are things out in this world that not even she could take care of.
She wont even give me an answer as to why she does not want me to carry other then that she just does not want me to.
Can anyone point me to something that might help me with her?
Thanks for any help.
sounds like my girlfriend.... :grumble that is until i told her there are 3 registered sex offenders living on the same street as her that kind of opened her eyes and has prompted her to FINALLY submit her LTC application. she dug out her LTC-100 from February.
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Re: Help with wife

#88

Post by Soccerdad1995 » Tue May 01, 2018 11:47 am

I am in the exact situation as the OP, except that I had my guns and my CHL before I even met her. My wife is deathly afraid of guns, to the point that it is almost humorous. On a recent trip to Vegas, we participated in a use of force simulator where we played police officers deciding whether to shoot. We used CO2 guns that had no projectile whatsoever. Just bursts of air. During the initial orientation / target practice, her hand was shaking and she took about 5 seconds to fully pull the trigger. The few times I have gotten her to a real range, I'm lucky if she fires more than 2 rounds before she wants to leave.

She initially gave me a very hard time about carrying when we went anywhere. But I persisted. I also pointed out news stories where people are victimized. One recent one was an armed robbery of a Subway near our old house in the middle of the afternoon. This was at a place where she had taken the kids during the summer while I was at work. She was able to picture how they could have been there when it happened. And she would have preferred to have the option of defending herself if it came to that. She has progressed to the point that she asks me to move the bedside safe to her side of the bed when I am going to be out of town. On Sunday I took the kids to a soccer game while she waited at home for a plumber. She asked me to go over the safe code again with her before I left. And she no longer complains about me carrying, unless I am OC'ing.

The OP mentioned that one of his wife's objections related to a belt holster (waist carry). I just wanted to point out that ankle carry is very effective when you are sitting down, and if you think of the times that you might need to use a gun, a lot of them start with you sitting in a restaurant, at home, or even in your car. Obviously, this does not work well if you are wearing shorts, and is less than ideal if you are walking, but I just wanted to point it out.
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Rob72
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Re: Help with wife

#89

Post by Rob72 » Fri May 04, 2018 9:43 am

Mind-set is HUGE, as is trying to understand the other person's fear(s). I have long held that PTSD arises when one is faced with a situation for which one's psyche is totally unprepared (i.e., they lived in "it could NEVER happen to me"), or 2) the image of self was totally destroyed (i.e., "I'm a MACHO STUDD!", then the shooting/crash/flying body parts starts).

A couple of really good reads, with some information on how & why some people prepare, others don't, and possibly some insights as to why:

https://www.amazon.com/Unthinkable-Surv ... 0307352900
https://www.amazon.com/Predictably-Irra ... dan+ariely

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Re: Help with wife

#90

Post by C-dub » Sat May 05, 2018 6:38 pm

chewy555 wrote:I have not been on the forum for a few years and found this thread. I must say that it has been strange reading some of the old stuff.
My wife has come around to where she no longer asks if I'm going to carry or if I am carrying. I got to the point that I just carried and worried about what she would say later. We now have kids and I think that she understands that I do it for her and for them. I started with a little 38 in my pocket, then my full size 1911, then a little 380, now most days in my compact 1911. I have tried to get her to get her LTC, but so far she does not want it, so I don't push it.
It's great to see you back and glad to hear things are going better regarding the firearm situation.

Congratulations on the family. That is what it took for my wife to come around on guns. Having kids changes all kinds of things.

After having my CHL/LTC now for the past 15 years and our only child (daughter) enjoys shooting handguns, rifles, and trap with her very own 20ga O/U and can hardly wait until she's old enough to get her own LTC. The wife doesn't want one, but she's more than fine with me and teaching our daughter.
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