Minnesota = Texas?

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OverEasy
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Minnesota = Texas?

#1

Post by OverEasy » Wed Apr 15, 2009 12:52 pm

Looks like things are about the same.

Ole's
accident:

Ole, had
a car accident.

In court, the
trucking company's lawyer was
questioning
Ole.

"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, "I'm
fine," asked the lawyer."

Ole
responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded
my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't
ask for any details, the lawyer
interrupted.

Just answer the question. Did you not say,
at the scene of
the accident.
"I'm fine!"?

Ole
said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into the

trailer and I
was driving down the road..."


The
lawyer interrupted again and said,


"Judge,
I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Minnesota
Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was
just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my
client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please
tell him to simply answer the question."


By this
time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's

answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."


Ole thanked the
Judge and proceeded. "Vell as I vas

saying, I had
just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into

da trailer and
vas driving her down da highvay ven dis

huge semi-truck
and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas
trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real
bad and didn't vant to move.

However, I
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway
Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.


Then the
Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said,
"How are you feeling?''


"Now
vat the heck vould YOU say?"
"rlol"
Regards, OE
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DoubleJ
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#2

Post by DoubleJ » Wed Apr 15, 2009 1:54 pm

:lol:
FWIW, IIRC, AFAIK, FTMP, IANAL. YMMV.


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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#3

Post by longtooth » Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:05 pm

Typical lawyer. Wants the truth but not the whole truth :smash:

Charles Cotton not included. "rlol" :patriot:
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#4

Post by The Annoyed Man » Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:47 pm

You Are What You Eat

A doctor was addressing a large audience at the Sons of Norway Hall in Ballard, Washington.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

"High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have -- or will -- eat it.

"Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, Ole Larsen, an 85-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and offered ... "Vedding cake?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nordic Heroism...

One dark night outside of Mt. Vernon, Washington, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Sons of Norway Rural Township Volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegian-Americans over the age of 70. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegians jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norwegians had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave Norse fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 80-year-old fire chief, "da furst ting vedo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#5

Post by longhorn_92 » Wed Apr 15, 2009 9:15 pm

Those are FUNNY!!! :thumbs2: :smilelol5: "rlol"
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#6

Post by stevie_d_64 » Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:36 pm

I bet a dollar to a donut hole if we had a lawyer joke folder...It would be one of the most popular folders on the website... ;-)
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#7

Post by TheArmedFarmer » Thu Apr 16, 2009 10:57 am

Speaking of lawyers, I once heard that if you laid all the lawyers end to end all around the earth... we'd be a lot better off! :lol:
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Keith B
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#8

Post by Keith B » Thu Apr 16, 2009 12:47 pm

stevie_d_64 wrote:I bet a dollar to a donut hole if we had a lawyer joke folder...It would be one of the most popular folders on the website... ;-)
And some of the best ones would probably come from Charles. Most lawyers know more lawyer jokes that anyone else. ;-)
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#9

Post by surprise_i'm_armed » Thu Apr 16, 2009 3:00 pm

Sven and Ole were Minnesota neighbors.

One day Sven looked over into Ole's yard to see that he
had put up a big sign on his front lawn, facing the street.

It said "Boat for Sale." The sign was in front of his old '89 Ford
F-150, with his used snowblower in the bed of it.

Now Sven knew for sure that Ole had never had a boat.

So when he went out to chat with Ole, he said to him
"Ole, you don't even have a boat. Why do you have
that sign there?"

Ole replied - Because they're boat for sale!!

*************************************************************************
Two avid fishermen from Alabama had fished every lake in Alabama
and were looking for something unique to do.

"You know those Yankees in Minnesota do that ice fishing all winter.
Let's go up there and fish that way to see what's it all about."

So in mid-winter they drove to Minnesota with all their fishing gear,
stopped at a bait shop near the lake, and picked up some bait and 2 ice
picks to make the hole.

Hours later they returned to the bait shop. The man who ran the store asked
them if they had caught any fish yet.

The Alabama guys: Any fish yet? Heck, no, we haven't even got the boat in
the water yet!!
Last edited by surprise_i'm_armed on Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#10

Post by John » Fri Apr 17, 2009 8:46 pm

stevie_d_64 wrote:I bet a dollar to a donut hole if we had a lawyer joke folder...It would be one of the most popular folders on the website... ;-)
OK... What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a bottom dwelling scum sucking scavenger, and the other one's a fish. :lol:

No offense Mr. Cotton.
JohnC

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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#11

Post by jimlongley » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:39 pm

The Annoyed Man wrote:To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegians jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Whoever told that one first stole it from my volunteer fire department.

This is absolutely true, I was there, fall of 1964, in a rural volunteer fire department in upstate NY.

As the siren blew announcing a fire in the district, I headed for the firehouse. I was the second to arrive, and the first guy there, Willy, a perpetual drunk, had already climbed into the driver's seat of our pumper, so I got on the phone with the dispatcher and got the details of the fire, and then climbed into the officer's seat and gave him the go ahead to pull out on the ramp. Three or four other guys showed up and jumped on the back step and off we went to the fire.

The fire was in the feed lot of a farm in our district, who knows how it started, spontaneous combustion is common in hay, so maybe. There were no hydrants in that area, so we would be fighting the fire with the 500 gallons of water in our tank, and hoping our tanker got there quickly, as well as the tankers that were called from neighboring districts in mutual aid, and this meant we had to get water on the fire as fast as possible.

As we arrived, I could see that the fire had not yet gotten to the barn bit was threatening to do so, so I instructed Willy to pull up as close to the fire as possible and he tried. The problem was that the farmer had been trying to fight the fire with a garden hose, so when Willy, whose judgement was somewhat impaired, stepped on the brakes, he started to skid in the mud in front of the barn, straightened out, crashed through the fence into the feed lot, which, considering the potty habits of the cattle and the farmer's attempt, was even slicker than the mud out front, so we skidded right through the fire.

Willy jumped out and cranked the pump up, and two guys put out the fire around the truck while myself and one other fought the original fire.

Unlike the department in the joke, we did not get rewarded, quite the contrary, we had to get the pumper towed from where it was stuck, and we (the department) had to pay for the damage to the farmer's fences (we hit two.) And as the nominal officer in command, even the lowest level in the whole department, I caught it for not following correct procedure, etc.
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#12

Post by Keith B » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:43 pm

jimlongley wrote:
The Annoyed Man wrote:To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant ...and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegians jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Whoever told that one first stole it from my volunteer fire department.

This is absolutely true, I was there, fall of 1964, in a rural volunteer fire department in upstate NY.

As the siren blew announcing a fire in the district, I headed for the firehouse. I was the second to arrive, and the first guy there, Willy, a perpetual drunk, had already climbed into the driver's seat of our pumper, so I got on the phone with the dispatcher and got the details of the fire, and then climbed into the officer's seat and gave him the go ahead to pull out on the ramp. Three or four other guys showed up and jumped on the back step and off we went to the fire.

The fire was in the feed lot of a farm in our district, who knows how it started, spontaneous combustion is common in hay, so maybe. There were no hydrants in that area, so we would be fighting the fire with the 500 gallons of water in our tank, and hoping our tanker got there quickly, as well as the tankers that were called from neighboring districts in mutual aid, and this meant we had to get water on the fire as fast as possible.

As we arrived, I could see that the fire had not yet gotten to the barn bit was threatening to do so, so I instructed Willy to pull up as close to the fire as possible and he tried. The problem was that the farmer had been trying to fight the fire with a garden hose, so when Willy, whose judgement was somewhat impaired, stepped on the brakes, he started to skid in the mud in front of the barn, straightened out, crashed through the fence into the feed lot, which, considering the potty habits of the cattle and the farmer's attempt, was even slicker than the mud out front, so we skidded right through the fire.

Willy jumped out and cranked the pump up, and two guys put out the fire around the truck while myself and one other fought the original fire.

Unlike the department in the joke, we did not get rewarded, quite the contrary, we had to get the pumper towed from where it was stuck, and we (the department) had to pay for the damage to the farmer's fences (we hit two.) And as the nominal officer in command, even the lowest level in the whole department, I caught it for not following correct procedure, etc.
Vel, did you get Villy to go to da AA meetings?? :biggrinjester:
Keith
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Re: Minnesota = Texas?

#13

Post by DoubleJ » Tue Apr 21, 2009 3:35 pm

:lol::
I'm tellin' ya, Jim, you should write a book!
FWIW, IIRC, AFAIK, FTMP, IANAL. YMMV.

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