OFF TOPIC; Question for parents

[jimlongley]

BTW, I have been a step dad twice, and count myself lucky that I did so well with the first set, the second hasn't been nearly as great an experience.

One of the other kids in my daughters' group, the girls were close enough in age that their friends kind of overlapped, was an incipient gangster nicknamed, appropriately, "Rat" who cut his hand open showing off a solen knife in front of my house one night. Totally accidental, but it gave me the opportunity to demonstrate my EMT skills, which impressed him and some of the other kids.

Last I knew Rat was riding ambulance with a paid company and trying to finish fire training school in junior college to get hired by the fire department after having done like ten years in the service. I have no idea if he went totally straight, but would like to think so, he also came to my late wife's calling hours.

I wouldn't recommend having a teenager bleeding all over your front steps as a manner or method of lifestyle guidance.

Watchful awareness.

[txinvestigator]

Trust your "spidey senses".

I think I wore mine out on my daughter and son.

Just wait till she starts dating.

The purpose of dating is to discern a mate. She already knows that, and there will be NO one-on-one dating until she is ready to do that.



Or at least until she gets another black belt and attends her first tactical firearms class.

lol

[BrassMonkey]

Different parenting styles. Theirs do not match yours. Never allow your child to find herself in a situation YOU are not comfortable with, regardless of whether she is comfy or not.

It sounds like she knows how to act/behave in situations you/she is used to, being in an unusual situation (other kid's non attentive parents) placed her in a situation she was not trained to handle, hence, out walking around alone which you do not approve of.

One time deal, let her off with a warning, definetely no more going to that friends house...

[txinvestigator]

Different parenting styles. Theirs do not match yours. Never allow your child to find herself in a situation YOU are not comfortable with, regardless of whether she is comfy or not.

It sounds like she knows how to act/behave in situations you/she is used to, being in an unusual situation (other kid's non attentive parents) placed her in a situation she was not trained to handle, hence, out walking around alone which you do not approve of.

One time deal, let her off with a warning, definetely no more going to that friends house...

Good points. We try to prepare her for those unusual situations, and we talked about this one tonight. She explained her thinking well, and I believe she gets it now.

[BrassMonkey]

Sounds like you are a good parent... Mine is 3 and I am dreading the day he is old enough to go off galavanting.

It is just he and I so I have no checks and balances when it comes to parenting so I never know if I am doing a good enough job... He does like my new Kimber though :-)

[308nato]

TXI sounds like your doing great but its going to get harder when
High School time comes around thats when you have to hang in there
and keep those instincts alert and do one on one on what you expect of her
when it comes to doing what is the right thing.
I like to think that my kids now in there 30's and 40's didnt turn out
half bad. My oldest has her own dog training business and my youngest
is a office manager for a foundation repair co.

So hang in there your daughter sounds like a level headed young lady

[txinvestigator]

TXI sounds like your doing great but its going to get harder when
High School time comes around thats when you have to hang in there
and keep those instincts alert and do one on one on what you expect of her
when it comes to doing what is the right thing.
I like to think that my kids now in there 30's and 40's didnt turn out
half bad. My oldest has her own dog training business and my youngest
is a office manager for a foundation repair co.

So hang in there your daughter sounds like a level headed young lady

Thanks. She already has a career chosen that will require an advanced degree, and she knows grades, behavior and choices are the ticket there.

[quidni]

My wife and I talked about this.....step dad, lack of supervision.....she is possibly just uncomfortable with parental attention, and perhaps even a little envious of the close relationship of my daughter and I. We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

Having grown up as a daughter in a "broken" home myself, I think you might be hitting pretty close to home here. I know how I always envied my friends who had "whole" families.

I agree completely with your decision to allow your daughter to continue to be her friend - on YOUR turf, with YOUR rules. Not only does this protect your daughter, it also provides a non-familial point of stability for the other young lady. This is important for a teenager - they need to know other adults besides their parents that will accept and encourage them as individuals. She'll know she can always be safe around your family, and if something ever does happen - a heated argument over dating rules or curfew, for example - at her home, she's more likely to show up at your doorstep instead of getting herself in trouble.

And it allows your daughter to set a good example for her friend, as well.

[Wildscar]

Discipline is good, Dictatorship is not. Don't try to hold on so tight that she squeezes between your fingers. But from what I have read you are doing all the right things. You just have to hope that she is going to do the right things on her part too.

[GlockenHammer]

Ditto others on trusting your instincts.

I agree with Wildscar in that too much discipline can (but not necessarily) encourage a more complete rebellion. It's a fine line that can only be called by the on-scene commander (you).

If you think that future contact is something that you're going to have to deal with. Consider taking steps to get to know the parents. This may lead you to understanding why your spidey senses were tingling. Maybe they were right, maybe there is a reason why it is a false alarm. Again only a call to be made by those on scene.

Good luck.

[phddan]

The purpose of dating is to discern a mate. She already knows that, and there will be NO one-on-one dating until she is ready to do that.



Or at least until she gets another black belt and attends her first tactical firearms class.

lol

I was one of those fathers that just happened to be cleaning a shotgun when a boy showed up for their first dates.

Dan

[txinvestigator]

Thanks again everyone. I knew these would be thoughtful responses.

[jimlongley]

Having grown up as a daughter in a "broken" home myself, I think you might be hitting pretty close to home here. I know how I always envied my friends who had "whole" families.

Reading this I had to laugh and cry at the same time. The first time I met my younger daughter she was a little tot and I picked her up at one friend's house to take her to another friend's (my future brother in law) house. She stood up on the back seat of my car (no seat belts in those days so the kids rode in the back seat) leaned over the front seat and asked me if I was going to marry her mommy. Since I didn't know her mommy yet, a situation that was remedied shortly thereafter, my reaction was something on the order of "I don't even know your mommy kid."

Her mommy and I ended up happily married for 23 years and I feel as though I did a pretty good job, older daughter graduated Summa Cum Laude with three majors after five years in college, and became a successful wife and mommy, if you ignore her other accomplishments, and is married to a Senior Vice President at IBM. Younger daughter also became a successful wife and mommy (all she ever wanted to be) and would have made the valedictory speech at her college graduation if she hadn't ended up in the hospital giving birth to her last child that day.

I can't say the same for my second step family, unfortunately, stepson is just to genetically inclined to be like his biological father, but I tried.

My late wife shared a letter to Santa with me a couple of years after we married, in which my daughters expressed their wish to have "a real daddy, the kind that lives with us" and she told me that I had satisfied that requirement. That was her method of softening me up for the next phase, which was when the girls came to me and asked me to adopt them so we could be a "real family."

[RPBrown]

As a father of 5, 4 of which are girls, I can tell you that it probably won't get any easier. I understand your problem and have been there myselfe a time or two.

You are doing the right thing to still allow the friend at your house. This may be the closest thing to a "normal" family that she has. When my 2nd oldest was 12, she a a similar friend. The girl had been in trouble at school some. Nothing serious but still disruptive. Come to find out, the mother had re-married to an alcholic that didn't like kids. So she spent a lot of time at our house. I think that is where she learned some of her values.

Long story short is she became a teacher, and married with 3 kids. She still keeps in touch with not only our daughter but also with us (she lives in Colorado now). She calls us almost every weekend. Her mother divorced and is now having a better relationship with her also.

So you may help her more than you think and in turn your daughter may have a friend for life.

[Venus Pax]

My wife and I talked about this.....step dad, lack of supervision.....she is possibly just uncomfortable with parental attention, and perhaps even a little envious of the close relationship of my daughter and I. We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

Having grown up as a daughter in a "broken" home myself, I think you might be hitting pretty close to home here. I know how I always envied my friends who had "whole" families.

I agree completely with your decision to allow your daughter to continue to be her friend - on YOUR turf, with YOUR rules. Not only does this protect your daughter, it also provides a non-familial point of stability for the other young lady. This is important for a teenager - they need to know other adults besides their parents that will accept and encourage them as individuals. She'll know she can always be safe around your family, and if something ever does happen - a heated argument over dating rules or curfew, for example - at her home, she's more likely to show up at your doorstep instead of getting herself in trouble.

And it allows your daughter to set a good example for her friend, as well.

I fully agree with quidni. Allow this girl to visit your home while you and/or your wife are there. Invite her to church and to youth events. See if another church member will sponsor this little girl for your church's summer camp. (If parents can afford it, let them pay.)

However, watch carefully. Don't ignore the gut sensation that something isn't right, as it very well may not be.

ETA: During the years I've spent teaching, I've noticed that most of my kids to not come to school with appropriate social skills. This girl is probably one of those kids. I cannot tell you how many times I've had to show a kid HOW to look me in the eye and shake my hand. Often they turn out to be great kids (although sometimes they don't), but have no concept of how to interact with others.