RPBrown wrote:TAM, as we all know the moral to your stories is dont go to NY or Cali.
I don't know..... there might be a couple of other morals in there......"don't stay young and stupid any longer than you have to" might be one of them.
One of my favorite phrases is "Is
this the hill I want to die on?" The answer more often than not these days is "no, it isn't," and that determines my next action. Let me revisit those scrapes of mine in the light of the wisdom of years:
1. I call the cops and let them deal with it. If I had never confronted the guy in the courtyard.....even though I was calm about it.....he would have never tried to jump me with a knife in the parking lot later.
2. I
don't smack the guy's back window. I keep walking, glad that he didn't collect me as a grill ornament. If I hadn't have done what I did, he'd have never pulled over and assaulted me, I would not have broken his nose, and he would have never made the comment about the nature of my relationship with my mother.
3. I
don't back-talk the old guy. Instead, I simply report him to the general manager and let him deal with it. If I'd have kept my mouth shut, it might not have stopped him from ranting at my friend, but it would have kept me out of it and I would not have become the object of his anger. He still made all the ugly racist comments and would have been in a lot of trouble for his behavior, but I wouldn't have had to kick a knife out of his hand.
4. I have better situational awareness, and as soon as I see the gang, I do a 180 and walk the other way. I could have gone the long way around the block to get to my apartment in less time than it took me to stand there and absorb all that abuse before that cop showed up. It would have avoided me shooting the guy a dirty look when his loogie went flying past my face. Everything degenerated from there.
I'm not saying these incidents were entirely my fault, but it
was either my own pride and/or lack of situational awareness that put me into those situations.....and
THAT is the lesson, at least for me, as much as anything else. The first guy wasn't a horrible person. He was just drunk. Being drunk in public doesn't exactly make you material for public approbation, but hey,
I've been drunk in public before....I just wasn't inclined to be a violent drunk. I could have let the pros handle it instead of involving myself. I wasn't rude to him at all, but by involving myself, I made myself his later target. The fact that he was later very apologetic afterward shows me that he understood he was out of control and inappropriate, and
he tried to make peace with
me.
The second guy was driving like a homicidal maniac, and had I not
jumped out of his way, he would have stuck me full on with his car going about 30 mph. I might well have been killed. My angry response was understandable, but it escalated the situation. The fact that he maliciously set up an assault-from-behind against me shows that he was a bad, angry man. But I seriously doubt that my bloodying his nose actually taught him anything more than "don't mess with TAM while he's still young and full of vim and vigor." A guy like that probably goes home and beats his wife every night. He was driving like a crazy man. I don't think he was
deliberately targeting me with his car. I just think he
didn't care if he hit anybody who happened to be too slow to get out of his way. Forum rules prevent me from using the word to describe him, but let's just say that everybody's got one, and the world is full of them. People like that are a fact of life.....particularly in New York City....and my own reaction of anger was also inappropriate.....not the emotion itself, but my response to the emotion.
The third guy was just an old man with really bad blood pressure problems, a lot of other problems in life, and a lot of anger. My words to him escalated the problem. He is still responsible for his reaction to me, but if there is one thing that 12 step recovery has taught me is that I have a part too in nearly everything that happens to me. Very rarely are we ever 100% victims. I'm not trying to place blame on victims, because
pure victimhood
does exist, but that doesn't describe me on that day. I
chose to use the words that pushed him over the edge, and even though they weren't profane or anything, they
were confrontational. It wasn't really my place to confront him. I just got mad at the way he was behaving, bothering the peace of my lunch break, and my anger made me speak the words I used and it make me take the tone of voice I took. Blame is about 80%-90% his and 10%-20% mine. My coworker was smart enough, and fully capable enough, to defend himself,
and he kept quiet and didn't say a thing. It didn't need me in the mix.
With the gang, I didn't really do anything wrong, but I was oblivious to my surroundings. I was just walking along with my two grocery bags, not a care in the world, and I wasn't really paying attention to what was out in front of me. I have to say that I went from walking blindly
into the trap and then being suddenly aware that I was in danger for my life in a matter of about one second....but by then it was too late. I was already in trouble and would not have gotten out of it without at least a severe beating if that cop had not wandered around the same corner I had just come around a few minutes before. And by the way, in
typical New Yorker style, the whole time this was going on, people walking by just across the narrow street watched what was happening but just kept on walking. Nobody tried to help me.
Neighbors 2 or 3 doors down just stood and stared as it was happening, but nobody ran inside to call the cops, or tried to step up and come to my assistance. They were simply the gazelles who survived, watching the hyenas kill the gazelle that got caught. I don't know that I would have done anything different except to be more aware of my surroundings at all times and try to avoid getting into the situation.
I'm not really the
bad guy in any of these situations, but ALL of them were avoidable and in two of them I was confrontational with the other guy because, in my pride, I thought it was my place to
be confrontational. The difference between young and cocky and sure and being much older, trying harder to be humble, and less sure of my own abilities is that the latter state incorporates a sense of my own mortality, and the former state is one of false invincibility. That difference is called wisdom or discernment, and it
usually (unfortunately) comes with age and it is wasted on the young.
These are all actually all four relatively minor incidents, but they are the ones that stick in my mind. Like I said in my first post, I don't know if these qualify as "close calls" or not; but I shared them here because they might be instructive to somebody. Critical self-examination means that we unflinchingly accept our part in things, forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, and endeavor to do better going forward.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
G26ster wrote:I'm lucky I guess. I'm 71, and except for back in '69 & '70 when a couple hundred thousand folks fired everything conceivable in my face trying to kill me, nothing has happened

And thank you for that. I was less so inclined back then.....a flaw of my character at the time.