OFF TOPIC; Question for parents

[CWOOD]

My wife and I talked about this.....step dad, lack of supervision.....she is possibly just uncomfortable with parental attention, and perhaps even a little envious of the close relationship of my daughter and I. We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

Having grown up as a daughter in a "broken" home myself, I think you might be hitting pretty close to home here. I know how I always envied my friends who had "whole" families.

I agree completely with your decision to allow your daughter to continue to be her friend - on YOUR turf, with YOUR rules. Not only does this protect your daughter, it also provides a non-familial point of stability for the other young lady. This is important for a teenager - they need to know other adults besides their parents that will accept and encourage them as individuals. She'll know she can always be safe around your family, and if something ever does happen - a heated argument over dating rules or curfew, for example - at her home, she's more likely to show up at your doorstep instead of getting herself in trouble.

And it allows your daughter to set a good example for her friend, as well.

I fully agree with quidni. Allow this girl to visit your home while you and/or your wife are there. Invite her to church and to youth events. See if another church member will sponsor this little girl for your church's summer camp. (If parents can afford it, let them pay.)

However, watch carefully. Don't ignore the gut sensation that something isn't right, as it very well may not be.

ETA: During the years I've spent teaching, I've noticed that most of my kids to not come to school with appropriate social skills. This girl is probably one of those kids. I cannot tell you how many times I've had to show a kid HOW to look me in the eye and shake my hand. Often they turn out to be great kids (although sometimes they don't), but have no concept of how to interact with others.

TXI, you quidni and Venus are all on the right track. My oldest daughter is my non-bio daughter and my other two daughters are my bio-daughters. Thank goodness the youngest is in college and out of "those" years. They have all done well and are really good, hardworking, nice people. That being said, I will suggest an addition to the comments I have quoted and the reason.

I suggest that you even go out of your way (always with your daughter's consent and input) to invite this girl to family stuff...movies, bar-b-que's, Monolopy night, Christmas caroling whatever, as long as the kids behavior is tolerable. Not trying to force this kid on your daughter but making the girl feel welcome. The reasons are several.

1. As mentioned, it gives you a greater opportunity to evaluate the girl.
2. It gives the girl a glimpse into your positive family dynamics and might be helpful to her.
3. The close contact with your daughter might be more that your daughter cares for and she might decide on her own to spend less time with the neighbor...solving the whole issue.
4. If the occasion arises where the other girl does something to justify your suspicions and you have to end contact, you will have established your self as 'the good guy' in the eyes of your daughter.
5. If the other kid trys to draw your daughter away from your influence she will have to 'bad mouth' you to your daughter after you have demonstrated patience, flexibility, understanding. That won't sit well with your daughter.

In the meantime, as stated, pay attention to your instincts. They seemed to have served you well so far.

On the other hand, be aware that the testing of limits is about to start in earnest. You will be so mad and frustrated and hurt and baffled beyond imagination in the next few years. Intermixed with that will be some of the most touching, tender and treasured moments in your relationship with your daughter. Then, finally, she will return to being the wonderful person you remembered. Lord, I loved having three daughters, but it is not for the feint of heart.

Press on, Dad.

[ccoker]

I think you are right on..

more parents need to stay on top of their kids..

We KNOW we are "overprotective" so be it...

[austin]

Have your wife and an older teen girl chat up the girl to get info. it won't take long to get the good and the bad.

The shy behavior is a lot better than being a "Wally" - all smiles while in the house and a holy terror else-wise.

Kids need structure, and even a few months worth or exposure to it, will set the lightbulb on. Just because her folks are inconsistent, does not mean she won't be.

[anygunanywhere]

TXI,

Lots of great advice from folks.

Again, be not their friend, be their parent.

Get to know their friends and aquaintances.

Develop a parent network. That network should support the parents knowing where they are at all times and must include checking up on them.

Reaganism - "Trust but verify". Mrs. Anygun and I used to enjoy DQ Blizzards while driving around checking up on ours.

Instill in them the understanding that no matter what they can come to you. The fact that the experience may not be pleasant must be part of the equation but you will be there for them and their friends no matter what time day or night.

Set high standards, enforce limits - few exceptions. They can come up with some great reasons.

The fruits of your labor will be evident but one day your child will truly thank you for what you did. My eldest did recently. He told me how he valued the work ethic and sense of responsibility we gave him. Here is what really grabbed me - He told me it was not what we said, it was the example we set. The hard work, long hours, getting up after 3 hours sleep to make the school functions, etc. It was tough, on us and them, but it works.

Anygun.

[SC1903A3]

My 2 cents worth. Trust your gut feeling. It's your life experience telling you something is wrong. It's like I tell my children. I decide who your friends are.

[jimlongley]

My wife and I talked about this.....step dad, lack of supervision.....she is possibly just uncomfortable with parental attention, and perhaps even a little envious of the close relationship of my daughter and I. We make it a point to interact with her friends, and we have sort of made our house the "block central" for her friends. Until this friend does something to warrant ex-communicated status, she will be welcomed in our home, and treated like we want our kid to be treated.

Having grown up as a daughter in a "broken" home myself, I think you might be hitting pretty close to home here. I know how I always envied my friends who had "whole" families.

I agree completely with your decision to allow your daughter to continue to be her friend - on YOUR turf, with YOUR rules. Not only does this protect your daughter, it also provides a non-familial point of stability for the other young lady. This is important for a teenager - they need to know other adults besides their parents that will accept and encourage them as individuals. She'll know she can always be safe around your family, and if something ever does happen - a heated argument over dating rules or curfew, for example - at her home, she's more likely to show up at your doorstep instead of getting herself in trouble.

And it allows your daughter to set a good example for her friend, as well.

I fully agree with quidni. Allow this girl to visit your home while you and/or your wife are there. Invite her to church and to youth events. See if another church member will sponsor this little girl for your church's summer camp. (If parents can afford it, let them pay.)

However, watch carefully. Don't ignore the gut sensation that something isn't right, as it very well may not be.

ETA: During the years I've spent teaching, I've noticed that most of my kids to not come to school with appropriate social skills. This girl is probably one of those kids. I cannot tell you how many times I've had to show a kid HOW to look me in the eye and shake my hand. Often they turn out to be great kids (although sometimes they don't), but have no concept of how to interact with others.

TXI, you quidni and Venus are all on the right track. My oldest daughter is my non-bio daughter and my other two daughters are my bio-daughters. Thank goodness the youngest is in college and out of "those" years. They have all done well and are really good, hardworking, nice people. That being said, I will suggest an addition to the comments I have quoted and the reason.

I suggest that you even go out of your way (always with your daughter's consent and input) to invite this girl to family stuff...movies, bar-b-que's, Monolopy night, Christmas caroling whatever, as long as the kids behavior is tolerable. Not trying to force this kid on your daughter but making the girl feel welcome. The reasons are several.

1. As mentioned, it gives you a greater opportunity to evaluate the girl.
2. It gives the girl a glimpse into your positive family dynamics and might be helpful to her.
3. The close contact with your daughter might be more that your daughter cares for and she might decide on her own to spend less time with the neighbor...solving the whole issue.
4. If the occasion arises where the other girl does something to justify your suspicions and you have to end contact, you will have established your self as 'the good guy' in the eyes of your daughter.
5. If the other kid trys to draw your daughter away from your influence she will have to 'bad mouth' you to your daughter after you have demonstrated patience, flexibility, understanding. That won't sit well with your daughter.

In the meantime, as stated, pay attention to your instincts. They seemed to have served you well so far.

On the other hand, be aware that the testing of limits is about to start in earnest. You will be so mad and frustrated and hurt and baffled beyond imagination in the next few years. Intermixed with that will be some of the most touching, tender and treasured moments in your relationship with your daughter. Then, finally, she will return to being the wonderful person you remembered. Lord, I loved having three daughters, but it is not for the feint of heart.

Press on, Dad.

Amen more than once.

The one kid we helped out had breakfast and dinner with us often and stayed with us for a while, and had never had meals at a dinner table with a family - our regular evening meals were ALWAYS at the table in the dining room and we demonstrated which fork went where, etc. He got all dolled up and played waiter one night, his idea and just for fun, and it happened to be the night that a priest friend showed up to check on him.

Each kid is an unique experience, as are their friends, so there is not formulaic solution, which means that instincts are all you have to go by.

[John]

You are right on, TXI. And as the others indicated, it doesn't get any easier. We moved at the end of last year, so we are trying to get to know the new kids, but we have been through similar situations as you describe.

My son just turned 13, but at the old house, I made him take one of those little FRS radios when he wanted to wander down to the park or friends houses on the other side of the park. The radio put well known limitation on his travels and gave us (him and me) instant access should a problem arise.

We've had similar situations with kids that didn't want to exchange hello's or make eye contact and/or had more freedom; we did the same thing as you, they were welcome to come over to our house, but away from our house access was severely limited.

[ccoker]

our oldest (son) recently turned 10

there are a few kids his age we trust in the neighborhood..
one though doesn't have a very structured home and to us, seems to have too much freedom for his age (about 12)
we highly encourage him to to come to our house where we know what's going on and can also provide some good structure for him..