This thread started over at UtahConcealedCarry, and the below points are consolidated or edited with that thread as inspiration.
What if cars were as highly regulated as guns?
- To purchase a car from a federally licensed car dealer requires a federal background check. Depending where you live, all cars (new and used) must be purchased or transferred from a federally licensed car dealer. No craigslist used car sales!
- You would have to be 21 years old to get a driver's license. You can drive on private property all you want until then, except some states require you be constantly supervised by an adult while doing so.
- Any automobile manufactured after 1986 and capable of going over 55 MPH would cost 20 times what a speed limited car costs, and takes 6 months to get government approval to purchase. The same rules apply to other auto accessories like mufflers. If you put a muffler on your car or modify it to go over 55 MPH, you get a trip to Club Fed. Exception: If you get a Class III auto manufacturing license, but those are virtually impossible to get except for the military or police.
- If you plan any interstate driving trips, make sure you carefully research the laws in every state and city you're passing through. Some states won't accept your state's driver's license and won't grant licenses to anyone but residents of their state. Some states don't allow driving on public roads unless you are rich or politically connected.
- Responsible drivers drive concealed. Open driving is just for loudmouth attention grabbers who want to provoke police encounters. And heaven forbid a child should see an openly driven car. Intentionally letting someone see your car is a crime in Texas.
- Post offices everywhere, and schools, churches, and airports in many states don't have parking lots because it's against the law to drive or park there. Nearly .00001% of drivers would probably go postal and start running people down with their assault cars, so all progressive society agrees that car-free zones are an acceptable compromise for public safety.
- All imported automobiles must have no similarity to any auto used by military or police forces anywhere in the world, and are restricted to sporting purposes. Because protecting ourselves from tyranny is all about sporting.
- Your only able to purchase cars with manual transmissions. Anything automatic is restricted to a Class III license. Because you wouldn't have to shift gears you could run over more people.
- Note that if you have a car with a manual transmission and the Class III license, you cannot simply give your car to your children when you die. You children must apply for their own license.
- Also in California you cannot have a steering wheel that is not completely solid. Any steering wheel with space to make a proper grip is restricted to military and police personnel.
- Cars in CA, MA, NJ, and other states are regulated by cosmetic attributes. If you have a hood ornament, low profile tires, a brush guard, or other dangerous cosmetic features, it is a forbidden assault auto.
- Also in some states your car would be limited to holding only 10 gallons of gasoline. Anything over 10 gallons is considered necessary for any practical use and just just plain dangerous.
- You are allowed to drive your dad's car in some states or cities, or he can even give you the car. But other states or cities require your dad to transfer the car through the federally licensed car dealer before you can drive it to work or college.
- You need a federal license to buy or sell more than some arbitrary, capriciously-undefined number of cars each year.
- Cosmetic modifications to your car will make you a felon.
- If you like car shows or have an interest in cars you may be accused of being a criminal or mental case.
- You need a special federal license to work on cars or fabricate parts for cars.
- It is illegal to buy small cars or motorcycles anywhere but your Home State. Large cars (trucks, SUVs) can be purchased outside your Home State, except some states allow a purchase from federally licensed Car Dealers, but only if it is from certain other states. If you purchase from a wrong state, you become a felon.
- Exception: You can get your own car collectors federal license if you want to purchase only cars at least 50 years old.
- Large, powerful cars are considered assault cars with no legitimate purpose. Small, inexpensive cars are considered disposable and appealing only to criminals.
- If you have ever had a mental illness you may not even touch a car, much less own a car.
- If you have ever been convicted of domestic violence misdemeanor or any felony (including non-violent), you may never again touch a car, much less own a car.
- It is illegal to enter Washington DC with any car, car parts, or even so much as an empty gas can.
- If you believe in your constitutionally protected right to transportation, you're probably a terrorist. And definitely a racist.
- If your gas tank can hold more than 10 gallons in certain cities, or states, you are required to install something in your tank to take the extra space so only 10 gallons would fit.
- If a car is painted a scary black, it is assumed to be military and more dangerous. If there aren't already laws banning scary black in your state, there are car "safety" advocates constantly working to change your states laws to bans such scary cars. (Oh, and of course see "terrorist" and "racist", above.)
- Certain states (notably Massachusetts), require first a person to first get a car owner ID card (COID), which allows some to shop for a car at the federally licensed car dealer. After passing your federal background check and paying for your car, you have to wait 10 days. You cannot pick up the car yourself, as your COID does not actually allow you to drive your car. A dealer's employee will deliver it to your house, where you will have to get an upgraded license from the state in order to actually drive it. Your local police chief has the final decision on whether you'll be granted a license to drive your car on the street, and does not have to have a rational reason why he denies it.
- Mufflers or other sound-suppressing devices designed to reduce, minimize or otherwise eliminate the noise generated by fuel-burning engines are not permissible without a Class III auto license. Car dealers are forbidden to sell vehicles having the aforementioned devices to persons not in possession of a Class III license at the time of sale. In such cases, car dealers must remove said noise-reducing devices from the vehicle if the customer does not possess a Class III. It is then the responsibility of the customer to apply for and acquire a Class III prior to installing a muffler or other sound-suppressing device.
- All cars must be equipped with micro-stamping technology that leaves a legible, easy identifiable serial number in the tire track - regardless of real-world feasibility.
- All cars must be equipped with "Smart" technology that only allows the registered owner to operate the vehicle, and only if their biometric data and RFID bracelet are a 100% match. If the data is corrupted or the RFID bracelet loses signal at any point in time, the vehicle will automatically lock the steering, brakes, and throttle and be immobilized until the signal returns.
- Being a car dealer will put you in the Justice Department's and FDIC's cross hairs, as dealing in cars is a "high risk activity" that must be closely monitored.
- No gasoline can be sold for public use with an octane rating of more than 85, as higher octane fuel is simply too dangerous for peasants to handle.
- Drivers wanting automated driving aids, including cruise-control, automatic lane-keeping, doppler braking, night vision, infrared, heads-up displays, or radar systems, will be considered "persons of interest" due to their inferred subversive motives. Only assassins want that stuff...
- Cities will or can have different laws, and may enforce laws that go against state laws.
- Speed limit signs have different meanings in different states.
- If you have more than 10 gallons of gas with you, when you are pulled over they will react as if you have or planned on using all that gasoline on hit and runs.
